


Primary Colors

by JediDiplomat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-03
Updated: 2010-02-03
Packaged: 2017-10-22 12:48:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/238166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JediDiplomat/pseuds/JediDiplomat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean touches the wrong thing at the wrong time and well, it goes south from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Primary Colors

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Cons*tricted by Plot 'Zine 2009

Three flashes of light brightened the shitty apartment before darkness once more took over. where the light had been now stood three brightly colored spandex clad warriors. The warrior in blue angrily yanked off his helmet and started yelling at the one in pink. “This is your fault! Can't you ever just leave the shiny alone? Dude, you're like a damn ferret and now look what happened!”

The pink clad warrior was taking none of it. “Me? What are you bitching about? At least you don't turn into a chick! Thought you wanted to save people, Sammy? Weren't you the one that always thought it'd be cool to be a superhero?”

“Yeah, when I was twelve Dean!” Sammy yelled right back.

“Boys,” the third member of the less than impressive team said softly. He was older, with salt and pepper hair and a body that was just past its prime. “Arguing isn't going to help.”

“Yessir,” they both replied.

“We need to get rid of this—monster,” John said, “then we should check in with Joshua and Pastor Jim and see if they found anything.”

“Anything to stop being a chick,” Dean muttered. He shook his chest. “Never realized how much tits got in the way. It's throwing everything off.”

John nodded, “right now you'll have to compensate son.”

Dean nodded, but was miserable. “Yessir.”

The problem, as the Winchester's called it had started three months ago. John had heard rumors of a lot of demonic activity in a tiny town in California. Thinking it a good place to base camp with his two teenage sons, he'd set off. Everything at first seemed to go well, a little too well. Sam had enrolled in the local high school and almost immediately found a group of quirky, yet good hearted, peers. Dean, his oldest, had found a job as a mechanic at the local auto shop. The boss didn't even seem to mind Dean's frequent excuses from work to help John hunting. John had no lack of demonic activity though precious little demons.

Dean had been hiking in the hills outside town, checking out some of the old mines in case there was any gold or whatever leftover. It was something to do until Sam was done with whatever uber geek thing Sam did with his friends. Dad was out hunting down the non-existent demons and Dean had the day off. He'd thought about going and flirting with the super hot chick at the flower shop, but he'd rather have something pretty to give her and dude she worked at the only flower shop in town. Hence the other reason he was up in the hills. He was about to give up when something reflecting off the ground caught his eye. He picked his way to the reflection and found a pink jewel encased in bronze. Frowning he picked it up, thinking it was pretty damn ugly to give to the hot flower chick, when a bright flash of light whited out his vision.

He came to with a groan and found no trace of the jewel. He hunted for it until dusk before deciding the whole thing was some bizarre hallucination. Because dammit, Dean Winchester was not mugged. Not even for an uglier than sin chunk of shiny. He had to get home, even in this normal ass town where nothing *ever* happened, Dad worried.

At dinner that night, Dean told them both the story. Dad and Sam had both checked him over and both times Dean felt this weird flash, like someone taking a picture inside his head. It was like seeing an afterimage but since no one else seemed to feel or say anything he figured he must just be tired.

The first sign that things had gone wonky in their already strange existence was Dean's obsession with color. Sam found him one day frantically going through the laundry.

“Dude! Need something?” Sam asked.

“Uh...no. I, uh, I just, where's that pink shirt?”

“What pink shirt? You ok, man? I mean, unless you're planning to burn the nonexistent pink shirt. You're looking a little pale.”

Dean looked as if he'd been clobbered by a poltergeist, which was about how well he felt. He swallowed hard and shook his head to clear the fog in front of his eyes. “I fine! I just need to find the damn shirt!”

Sam, who unconsciously had taken to wearing blue suddenly, raised his hands in surrender. “Dude! I'll find you a pink shirt, just...chill out, ok?”

Dean nodded. “Yeah, yeah that'd be good.”

It was almost a month before real crap started to fly. They'd eaten out, the three of them. It was a small mom and pop restaurant, liked just about everything in the town. It was the best pizza joint in town and no one but the Winchesters questioned why exactly the best pizza in town was in the Japanese section of town.

John was getting restless. Despite all the weirdness and signs in town, and there were plenty, he had found no demonic activity. No possessions, no werewolves, witches, shapeshifters, not even some stupid kids fooling around with shit they shouldn't. The signs were all there but there was nothing to hunt. Dean, out of Sam's earshot, was trying to get him to stay, both for Sam's and his own sake. Dean had finally hooked up with the hot chick from the florist and they were taking it slow. Which was new for Dean. John had to admit it was amusing watching Dean attempt to woo this girl, who seemed to keep his son on his toes, while watching Sam resist the urge to beat the crap out of Dean. When John had pressed him on the issue Sam couldn't even really explain why he felt compelled to beat the snot out of Dean every time he saw him with Kendall. He just did. Despite the sudden urge for violence developing between the boys, Sam was doing well in school. Top of his class, Sam would be serious contender for valedictorian. Dean argued that Sam should have a chance to see just how well he could do, let him exercise that scary smart brain of his, while Dean exercised a few different parts.

John wasn't so sure, there were other people that needed saving, families like theirs that didn't have to go through the pain of losing a loved one. John was also no closer to finding out what or who had killed his wife. This entire thing was a waste of time, but John was still considering it, considering the cost beyond the hunt of uprooting his kids again. Dean was grown and could make his own decisions on staying or going, Sam, well, Sam would follow orders but only after being reminded exactly who was calling the shots.

They'd just started digging into their pizza, thanking the waitress when the cook came out and turned up the volume of the tiny TV that was playing in the corner. Some kind of evil thing was attacking Japantown. Dean glanced at Sam and John and all three left the pizza steaming to see this for themselves. They'd gone about three blocks when they found the seven foot monster. Dean looked at his brother and father and then ducked into an alley way. Sam and John looked at each other, shrugged and joined him.

“Dean?” Sam asked just as Dean suddenly transformed into a pink spandex clad...woman. “Dean!” Sam yelled, grabbing the woman. “Where's my brother, you bitch?”

Before the woman could respond there was another bright flash and where John had stood was now a man in red spandex. “What the hell?” Sam got out before a blue light engulfed him and when it vanished he found himself wearing blue spandex. He hunched his shoulders and resisted the urge to cover his crotch. The man in red looked over at him, “Dad?” At the red guy's nod, Sam's eyes bugged out. “Dean?!”

“Later, dude,” The woman in pink that until a minute ago had been his very masculine brother said. “Let's kick some ass!” then Dean whooped like a much younger, well, girl and raced out into the street.

The monster was dispatched and they returned to the apartment. Dean returned to normal as soon as the armor disappeared. He was understandably shaken and kept grabbing his crotch, muttering things like “don't ever leave again.” John told them to pack their shit, they're leaving immediately and for once Sam didn't argue. He wanted to go just as badly. They only stopped when they were two states over. John got them a room and they all collapsed exhausted in the beds.

The next morning found them, their possessions and the car back in the craptastic apartment. Dean immediately checked to make sure his original equipment was still there. He let out a large sigh of relief that the other Winchester men could sympathize with. “Didn't we leave this town in the dust yesterday? What's going on?” Dean demanded.

“I don't know, but I'd say we finally found some demon activity.” John replied. “For now, we'll hang tight, don't let anyone know that strange things are going on. I'll call Joshua and Caleb--”

“You can't!” Dean blurted out and then clapped a hand over his mouth. Sam would have laughed at the sight had he not been so creeped out.

“Come on, Dad, whaddya gonna say? Hey Caleb, listen it's John. I can't leave town and oh yeah, Dean occasionally turns into a girl. Dude, c'mon!”

John sighed and wiped his mouth. “All right. Research both of you. We need to find out what's going on and how to stop it.”

Dean and even Sam nodded. “Yessir.”

They didn't get much of a chance as the monster attacks increased. Somehow, even when Sam was on an out of state field trip they all managed to end up just around the corner from each other and the monsters. The monsters were always ugly and bent on world domination in the name of some other equally putrid looking monster. They were usually easily dispatched, except when they grew to fifty feet and then the Winchesters used a big robot. That looked like the Impala on crack. Dean always felt the need to give her a tune up afterwards.

Dean, when he wasn't freaking out about being a woman, secretly thought the gig was awesome. Huge robots, fighting evil and then there was the fact that the entire town thought they were the coolest thing since sliced bread. Granted it wasn't the Winchesters, because none of them actually wanted to admit they wore spandex in public, the town folk thought were cool, but the superheros but to Dean it was all the same thing.

As the months wore on though, life became well, life. The Winchesters found that living two screwed up lives was even harder than living one. In fact, it was next to impossible. Sam started suffering in school, having little time to do his homework or hang with his friends with monsters always ready to kill you. Dean's girlfriend was getting fed up with him running off to do “errands” for his father during their dates and leaving her with the bill. John, was well, still John.

“I'm just saying, this sucks!” Dean snapped, drinking the orange juice straight from the carton. They hadn't bothered to move out of the sucktastic apartment they'd rented, and the landlord kept hounding them for more money.

“Yeah, well, it's not like we can change anything!” Sam snapped back.

“You don't know that! We don't even know what this is! Some research geek you are!”

“Hey, you could always pick up a book and actually read something, besides bra sizes. It really wouldn't kill you!”

“Boys,” John said quietly. Sam glared at him. “Enough. What have you found out, Sam?”

Sam huffed a sigh. “Nothing.”

Dean smirked at Sam. “I found something,” he said.

“Yeah, right,” Sam muttered. “Do you even know how to read?”

“Who needs to read when you can actually talk to people.” Dean snarled back. “Dad, I was talking to some people in Japantown.”

“They don't speak English,” Sam snapped. “Since when do you speak Japanese?”

“Sam,” John growled.

Dean smirked at Sam. “Since I turned into a chick once a week. Anyway, they said there's this legend of this serious bad mojo that turns up every couple hundred years. They say that the Power, dude, don't ask I don't know what kind of power, compensates by shanghaiing people into being superheros and fighting it off.”

“So, how'd we roped in?” Sam grumped.

Dean shrugged. “They're kinda vague on that point. Said something about stones and power and humans with attitudes.”

John nodded. “It's a start, I'll call Pastor Jim and Joshua about this. See if they can dig anything up.”

Which brings us back to the now. The Winchesters were having problems dispatching the current monster. It wouldn't die, no matter how many times they shot it with rock salt. The rock salt wasn't normal rock salt, it was super charged magically enhanced rock salt. Personally, Dean thought that had all sorts of logic holes but up until then it had worked.

“We need to get rid of that thing before it goes all Godzilla on us and starts stomping things!” Dean exclaimed.

“What do you suggest there genius?” Dean exclaimed.

“Change the car!” Dean said. “Who says we have to wait until it grows in order to use it?”

“Dude, we don't even know *how* to change it, it just appears.” Sam shot back.

“If you're gonna shoot down all my ideas with logic then I'm not going to bother.” Dean retorted.

“What the hell is logical about any of this?” Sam snapped back.

“Boys!” John snapped. “Enough,” he sighed. “We need a plan. What are it's weaknesses?”

San and Dean looked at each other, “Well...um it doesn't like water. When it tossed Sam into the lake it wouldn't follow.” Dean said, slowly. “Maybe a holy water hose?”

“It'd have to be high powered.” Sam said, thinking the logistics out. “We'd need a heavy duty water source.”

“The lake?” John said, warming up to the idea.

“Sam could bless it and then we shoot the monster with the hose.” Dean grinned, which under normal circumstances was terrifying prospect, but as a woman was down right terrifying.

“How come I have to bless the water?” Sam demanded. “Dean's the girl!”

“Sam,” John growled.

“No! I'm the better fighter now and I'm still at the kids table! That sucks!”

“Hey!” Dean growled. “I can still kick your ass any day of the week.”

“Boys!” John snapped. “Sam, you're doing the consecrating Dean and I will distract it.”

“Dad!” Sam snapped.

“Now Sam,” John yelled back.

Sam huffed, jammed his helmet back on and disappeared in a streak of blue light.

Dean rolled his eyes. They were so in for it when they killed this monster. Dean shrugged and put on his own helmet and they streaked away.

Sam was already at the lake by the time Dean and John appeared. Half way through the Latin, Sam simply flipped them off the kept on chanting.

Dean looked around and found a garden hose. He grinned as it changed into a fire hose. “Dude, I'm like Cinderella!”

“More like the fairy godmother,” Sam yelled back, dropping a blue GO PATRIOTS rosary into the lake. “Emphasis on fairy.”

“Screw you, Sam!” Dean snapped back.

“Boys! Enough already,” John growled. “Dean bring the hose over here. Sam you're on watch.” Sam grumbled but kept his eyes open for the ugly ass monster. He wondered if this was all there was or how they could get back to their usual fucked up lives. He was so deep in thought he almost missed the monster trying to sneak past him. Not that a seven foot dumpster could exactly sneak.

“Sam!” Dean yelled, and Sam turned to see the monster aiming for their dad. He raised his gun,which had just appeared with a thought, and shot the monster. the monster staggered, but didn't fall, not that Sam expected it to. It did turn it's attention on Sam, which was exactly what Sam was hoping for. Not! He continued to shoot it, really hoping that Dad and Dean would finish before he ran out of bullets, which then caused him to wonder if he could run out of bullets and that this stupid plan would work. He really didn't relish the thought of dealing with a pissed off, wet, seven foot dumpster monster.

Sam was slowly backing into the lake when he was bowled over by what felt like a tidal wave. In reality it was only the fire hose and he only got a piece of it. He heard shrieking, like nails on a chalk board and he turned to see the monster screeching and melting like the evil witch in that movie with the girl and the dog.

Dean whooped but before they could dispose of the remains, John's cell went off. Sam raised an eyebrow, where exactly was John hiding it in the skin tight spandex. John returned back to normal and answered the phone. Sam figured he could be useful and see if the remains were torchable. He toed the goop as Dean showed up with a match and the rosary. “Nice job, Sammy. You wanna do the honors?”

Sam gave Dean a small grin and lit the match. The goo lit up beautifully with all sorts of color, even if it did smell like garbage.

“Boys,” John said, once Sam and Dean had put out the remains. “That was Joshua. Seems there's something or the myth Dean dug up. This Power does choose people and they're bound until the threat is destroyed.”

“Did he say why us?” Sam asked.

“No, our best bet is to kill the main threat.”

“So?” Dean said. “Let's go.”

All told it took them a year before they were free. A year where Sam got good grades and a scholarship to Stanford. A year that Dean had a home and found out how the other half lived and a year, in which John Winchester finally got a bead on what exactly had killed his wife.


End file.
